a daughter | without a dad

I forgive him because I have learned the true value of loving me more than hating someone else.

Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

Me and Ernest (Dad)

I don't know how long it took, reaching this epiphany. I just know I am grateful I've arrived.

Daddy Issues. I had that.

Growing up with an absentee father was hard- is hard. The emotions that resulted from the void he left are even harder. I can’t count the instances I got my hopes up for quality time only to be let down, the tears i've cried for blaming myself for his absence, and the years of anger that festered within me from not letting go of the hurt.

Even in his absence, my father has had overwhelming control of my life and a strong grip on my emotions. I would walk around mad at the world for promises he failed to keep. No more waiting for him to change, no more depending on him to give me the daddy-daughter relationship that I feel I deserved that would never come.

I wanted out, but his power kept me in. I felt trapped in my anger, my bitterness, my heartbreak.

I wanted for so long to have a father. I was (am) still envious of my friends who have that. However, I have had to drastically change that. It was not their fault.- it was not their dads fault either. 

After years of enduring disappointment after disappointment, I knew I needed to move forward and to forgive him for neglecting me, but forgiving someone who continuously hurts you is a hard thing to do. I wanted to let go, I really did but I felt like he owed me. No, he owed my mom and me. It was his fault that I blamed my mom for how I grew up. It was his fault I blamed my mom for everything she did to compensate for what he did (or didn’t) do for us because it was never enough. It was his fault that I did not appreciate the family that was present in my life and instead choose to dwell on his absence. It was his fault that I grew up with a long list of insecurities and longing to be anyone but me. It was his fault I never knew what it truly meant to be a daddy’s girl.

Some self-reflection finally led me to realize that I could no longer let him control me. By not choosing not to be a father and to be a dictator in my life, he lost out, not me. He found his way to forget about establishing some sort of relationship with me, so I needed to do the same. I know that may not be ideal for some of you reading this, but I came to the conclusion that is was better for him to be removed from my life completely, than for a call here and there and be provided negative comments about the woman I am today just for the sake of him convenience and conscience.

It’s been many years since I last saw my father, and although his choices have always bothered me, the biggest choice he made was to choose to not to care for me as his daughter, his princess, his little girl. 

 I’m stepping out of hurting and into healing.

I have to let go of him, let go of my dreams that he will change, let go of ever thinking we can start over, let go of my hurt, let go of wondering what if. I have to let go of him in order to be a better me. I can’t keep looking back on what I think I may have missed. 

I used to believe that my life would be better if he played the role the right way, but for all I know my life could have taken a turn for the worse with him in it.

They say a father is supposed to be a daughter’s first love. This wasn't my reality but I can finally fix my mouth to say I'm OKAY with that.

This is my battle- Until there is complete healing