I forgive him because I have learned the true value of loving me more than hating someone else.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love.
Me and Ernest (Dad)
I don't know how long it took, reaching this epiphany. I
just know I am grateful I've arrived.
Daddy Issues. I had that.
Growing up with an absentee father was hard- is hard. The
emotions that resulted from the void he left are even harder. I can’t count the
instances I got my hopes up for quality time only to be let down, the tears i've cried for blaming myself for his absence, and the years of anger that
festered within me from not letting go of the hurt.
Even in his absence, my father has had overwhelming control
of my life and a strong grip on my emotions. I would walk around mad at the
world for promises he failed to keep. No more waiting for him to change, no
more depending on him to give me the daddy-daughter relationship that I feel I
deserved that would never come.
I wanted out, but his power kept me in. I felt trapped in my
anger, my bitterness, my heartbreak.
I wanted for so long to have a father. I was (am) still envious of my friends who have that. However, I have had to drastically change that. It was not their fault.- it was not their dads fault either.
After years of enduring disappointment after disappointment,
I knew I needed to move forward and to forgive him for neglecting me, but
forgiving someone who continuously hurts you is a hard thing to do. I wanted to
let go, I really did but I felt like he owed me. No, he owed my mom and me. It
was his fault that I blamed my mom for how I grew up. It was his fault I blamed
my mom for everything she did to compensate for what he did (or didn’t) do for us
because it was never enough. It was his fault that I did not appreciate the
family that was present in my life and instead choose to dwell on his absence.
It was his fault that I grew up with a long list of insecurities and longing to
be anyone but me. It was his fault I never knew what it truly meant to be a
daddy’s girl.
Some self-reflection finally led me to realize that I could
no longer let him control me. By not choosing not to be a father and to be a
dictator in my life, he lost out, not me. He found his way to forget about
establishing some sort of relationship with me, so I needed to do the same. I
know that may not be ideal for some of you reading this, but I came to the
conclusion that is was better for him to be removed from my life completely,
than for a call here and there and be provided negative comments about the
woman I am today just for the sake of him convenience and conscience.
It’s been many years since I last saw my father, and
although his choices have always bothered me, the biggest choice he made was to
choose to not to care for me as his daughter, his princess, his little girl.
I’m stepping out of hurting and into healing.
I have to let go of him, let go of my dreams that he will
change, let go of ever thinking we can start over, let go of my hurt, let go of
wondering what if. I have to let go of him in order to be a better me. I can’t
keep looking back on what I think I may have missed.
I used to believe that my
life would be better if he played the role the right way, but for all I know my
life could have taken a turn for the worse with him in it.
They say a father is supposed to be a daughter’s first love.
This wasn't my reality but I can finally fix my mouth to say I'm OKAY with that.
This is my battle- Until there is complete healing
