Rough Waters

To the voice to the liar in the mirror, saying you can’t ever change. To the guilt that is sitting on your shoulders, always keeping you locking in chains. To the past that you can’t undo. To the pain that you are walking through to the small and big mistakes to the sin that keeps you down this is what love has to say

Say Goodbye

Eating my own words in this post, and it doesn’t taste very good. I have a feeling that much of my future will consist of doing this…. realizing the errors in my reasoning and trusting the Lord to take me from glory to glory in the levels of my understanding and in my sensitivity to the compassion of His heart. Day by day, the Lord is bringing me to a deeper understanding of the souls of the people that I desire to help—- and He’s giving me a more real and strong love for them than I have ever had before.

It has taken me a lot of prayer to post another blog not because I am scared of how people are going to view me or because people I know and also people I don't know  are reading this. But, because this is me this is what the real Elena looks like. I am afraid of being Judge, I  am afraid of being viewed differently because my heart aches differently, I am afraid of people reading by vulnerability. But, what I am certainly not afraid of is my love and heart for the Lord and through this season God has been stripping the layers of my pride from me and replacing it with compassion and love and real hard Truth, truth that can only come from Him.

Lately, I started to focus more on my inner-self and re-evaluating the choices that I have made and the choices that I have continued to make and I have come to the perfect conclusion that I will always struggle with SIN. Not because I want to be intentionally disobedient to such a loving God but simply because I am human. Sin is not just what we do, it’s who we are. It’s affected every part of us. We are not what we should be and we desire things we should not. Again, I know it takes faith to believe that. And if you don’t, I pray the Lord will grant you faith and in His loving kindness lead you to repentance even amidst the mass confusion of your feelings. He did it–and is still doing it– for me. Jesus substituted Himself in our place and died for our sins— bringing upon Himself the condemnation that was headed toward us. He absorbed it all. I don’t fully understand that—all the ins and outs of how that took place— but I believe it. And I trust Him with all of my being. You don’t have to “get it” to come to Him. Just come. Lay it down including your desire to fully understand everything. Personally, best decision I ever made!

The Bible says, very implicitly, that Christ  “has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son”- Colossians 1:13 and also that “ sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace”- Romans 6:14. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I think about the reality of this truth and then line it up alongside the reality of my struggle with different sinful tendencies, I start to doubt that I have any part with Jesus Christ.  My hope starts fading. My assurance is almost nonexistent. My sanity starts crumbling. Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you been there? Are you there now? 

It’s a horrible, despairing place to be.

But think about this for a second, does our struggle with sin point more toward the fact that we aren’t saved or does it point more toward the fact that we are saved and known by Jesus Christ? I would venture to say, based on Scripture, that it indicates the latter. If the Holy Spirit was not in us, convicting us of sin and leading us to repent, there would be no struggle. Our wills would be under the dominion of sin, in complete submission to Satan, and we would see absolutely nothing wrong with ourselves– neither in our actions nor our thoughts. In fact, we would see our sin as good.  Look around you, I know you have people in your immediate, everyday life who don’t experience the same internal struggles you do. You see them do horrible, wretched things without an ounce of remorse. We’ve all been there, pre-conversion, but we’re different now. We’re changed, transformed and new.

We must realize that knowing we’re messed up and knowing that we’ve failed God are tremendous blessings. Just think of all the people in the world who are unaware of their sinfulness and headed toward eternal anguish and torture. Their ignorance of who they are in comparison to a holy God will literally be the death of them.  They don’t truly see that they need to be rescued. They may think it’s good to “believe” in Jesus, and they may even go to Church because it’s the “right” thing to do, but they don’t really see that they need Him. I also think that even in the most mature of Christians, it’s possible that pride can subtly maneuver itself  into the heart and mind and start to deceive genuine believers into believing that they “are without sin” (1 John 1:8).  Lord knows we see a lot of people act like this! But the truth is that the sheep of God, in this life, will always fight against sin.

“^For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”- Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-25)

If you’re struggling, praise God. Seriously, praise His Name. Because if there were no struggle, there would be no salvation.  When you fall, get back up and keep fighting. When you’re weary, wait on the Lord and He will revive you. Don’t try to live this life in your own strength, because you won’t succeed. Rely on Him….His presence. …His power…not yours.

We need to stop trying to crucify him again

And please, please remember that His grace covers your failures. You are and overcomer

Every.    Single.    One.

This is my battle

Elena

Lady in waiting

Singleness. The gift no one wants. The season no one wants to be granted, and the place that feels like you’ve discovered a deeper level of being alone!

Is it possible that there’s been no mistake made?

Is it possible that there’s intent behind why I am still single, Yes obviously because I am still single and obviously God has a plan for that! I know I should be constantly considering why I am still in the season instead of constantly fearing I will never get out.

The past weeks have been really hard for me. Possibly, because it is around the holidays and I have began to notice the beautiful couples that surround me everywhere I go. I have questioned many things like “Where am I going?” “Is this what I want to do with my life?” “Have I made the wrong choice” and I would be lying if I said relationships didn’t make me vulnerable and scared. As much as I pretend that I am okay with being alone and I can do it forever if that is what I was called to do… It is one thing that I am most afraid of. I am afraid of loving someone who could potentially fall out of love with me. I am afraid of being open to be shut down. I am afraid of someone seeing my deepest hurt. I am afraid that there is just too much sin in my life. I am afraid of letting someone know my secrets. I am afraid of breaking someone else’s heart.I am afraid of not living up to a males standards. When it comes down to it I always decide to be the friend because it is so much easier than being hurt, however now I am afraid of being alone and unloved my entire life.

I hide my feelings because it is easier than sharing them. I will be completely honest with you the thought of sharing my life with a man scares me. Maybe because I don’t think I am worthy enough for such love. (Yea, that is it!) My insecurities often times get the best of me. So much that a lot of the times people do not realize how insecure I am. I get so nervous around men that I mask it with complete awkwardness or surface level “Hey!’ for the sake of talking and saying the wrong things. 

Let me clarify something. I have not always felt this way! And I have had boyfriends before. But, my last relationship I gave my whole heart to him I was ready to commit and settle down before it was time. I thought “Wow! How lucky am I to have found someone this young” We both loved the Lord and we wanted to serve him together. Things were great the first couple months we would exchange love letters constantly, talk on the phone for hours, turned to  each other when our family life go hard and most importantly attend church services together. We talked about marriage constantly (evening signing his last name on letters I would write) talked about kids and our dreams! But, then everything changed. We took our relationship to the next level we would justify it by saying “This is okay, were going to get married anyways.” Physicality ruled our lives if we weren't staying physical we were fighting because we weren't physical. “Hanging out” turned into “making out” and what was so beautiful turned so ugly in a blink of an eye. We fell out of love but didn't want to admit it. We ended up hurting each other in the process of trying to save each other.I don’t talk about him that much and I try to avoid the conversation when I am asked if I dated him. Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of him. But, because I am ashamed and embarrassed of our actions. Obviously, we didn’t end up married or even staying friends. Ironically, we attend the same college and it seems like I can never escape him. However, it is nice to see God so evident in his life and his new relationship. Because, that is not something that was in the midst of us.

I would argue that signing up for eHarmony, Christian mingle or church hopping to find the one with the most available young people isn’t the answer. I’m all for dating and getting yourself around other singles, but I have to believe there’s more intent behind this season than teaching me the right places to find a date. I think so much in the Christian aspect we have put so much pressure on having a boyfriend/girlfriend that we lose sight of what that really means.

Instead of preoccupation with finding the man or woman you want to marry, use this season to become the man or woman that God wants you to be.

We’re very quick to find fault in God and others, but rarely willing to consider how we might need to grow. A humble heart will see singleness as a time to draw near to the Lord and reflect on how you need to change to become more like Him.

As I am learning and going through new stages in my life I feel grateful that God has me on a path the singleness. However, I would like this season to end. But if it doesn’t I am preparing to be okay with it. This topic is somehow always seeping back into my life and with the constant communication I have with one of my best friends Jilli Davis.

There is so much more to life than being in a relationship with someone. Yes, I know having that special someone to hold hands, kiss and snuggle with is great and something that I hope everyone gets to experience. I long for a guy to tell me how he feels about me and that there could be something there between us. But, today we give our hearts to anyone and we end up in complete devastation and somehow blame God for bringing that person in our lives. God has been so great in protecting my heart and loving me just right so I would be able to really love my future husband. I may not have Mr. Right or may not be even close to finding Mr. Right. But, in those moments of my ”unanswered questions” or when I am overtaken by the restlessness of singleness I remember 1 Peter 5:7 “ casting all your anxiety on Him, because he cares about you!”

Because this intruding anxiety about my lack of a life-mate is not reality, but rather weakness that the greater reality is being capable of handling it.

My deepest Prayer

Lord, I know I am designed to be intimate with another. I know this because my feelings stir inside when i see romantic movies or read romantic books. I pray for my future husband Lord that he will be willing to seek you through the rough moments in life when he wants our relationship. I ask you to put people in my future husbands life who will model good character qualities. I pray people will encourage him in his character growth. I pray for people to point out areas in which he falls short and lovingly help him to seek a better way. I know no one is always loving as you Lord, but i pray that my future husband will strive to care for others more than he cares for himself and to love you with his whole heart!I know no one is perfect, and I dont ask for that. Instead, I ask that my future husband be willing. to see you, willing to see his faults, willing to change. Most importantly I pray for his purity. That he will turn to you to keep him pure. Or, if he already made other choices, that he would turn to you to make him white as snow! just like it is easy to entangle our emotions it is just as easy to entangle our bodies. I pray that my future husband will guard his body and soul until the time You have designed for us to commit our whole lives to each other. and when we do meet you will help us stay pure in our relationship. I pray we wont stumble as we near the end of the race toward each other.

I will hold out for real love

I will hold out for intimacy

I will hold out until my heart is ready

I will hold out for Purity

I will hold out for for just one man

I will hold out so that I can have butterflies

I will hold out when others are giving in

I will hold out for Gods timing

I will hold out as long as it takes

I will hold out my open heart to you, Lord

I will hold out my empty hand and wait

I will hold out for my Future Husband

This is my battle

Love, 

Elena

Do I love God? Or the idea of loving God?

The past couple weeks God has been really twisting and turning my life upside down and showing me the cold hard truth that I have not been all that I can be. I have been choosing to actively pursue earthly things rather than my Savior. Sharing my life is something I am NOT comfortable with I have always been one of those who say "Everything Good" for the sake of getting to deep with anyone. That is time to change "This is my battle" is inspired by the season that I am currently in a season of Uncertainty, Joy, laughter, tears ( a lot of tears ) and transparency.

I started to notice I would get upset when I felt that the boy that I was interested in was not giving me the attention that I desired so much. I would pray to God and begged him for someone to come into my life, someone I could share laughs, smile, joy, tears and life with. Yet, despite all that I wanted in an earthly relationship, it’s ironic how I can be completely oblivious to how God feels when I ignore and blatantly hurt him and I continued to live in the pursuit of my own happiness, even if that meant I was willing disobeying him and knowingly hurting his feelings.


                                  Am I the only one that feels like that?  I didn’t think so…


No matter what we say or what people think of us. Our behavior in front of others and in private often shows we are not in love with God as much as we say or like to think we are. Our lives rarely reflect the kind of passionate, vibrant, love affair that shows we completely understand the true intimacy of our God.
To be completely honest, I have been struggling with really spending time with the Lord. Recently, some life changing events happened in my life that I was losing control of my life and I did not like that feeling of not knowing what was going to happen and why I felt so prompted to make these changes.
The future I have hoped for is now burning and my dreams I held so tight seemed to have no more meaning to me. I know that I don’t face things a lone and there is a promise for the ones that just hold on. But, I can sit here and be completely transparent and say that I thought for sure I was done trying to pursue God. The whole “Why me card” (we have all played it).

I then was asked “Elena, how are you seeing God in this?” My response wanted to be something like this “Actually, I don’t I am unbelievably upset with Him! WHERE IS HE? I thought he was always going to be here? Why would he let this happen? Am I really this alone?” Instead this was my response “That I know this is His plan.” LAME! Right of course I would give a cute little answer. That was the “good Christian” this to say right? Deep down inside my hurt was real and my pain was deep. It seems like heart ache was my closet friend. But, after all was said and done. I really got the chance to be alone see life from a different light and understand Him more. I came to realize how could I have so much love for someone that I spend NO time with. How could I really understand these events if I did not understand Him and His love.
               
                                                                     Harsh Reality

Think about it how often do we say:
“ I want to spend more time with God, but I am so busy with Homework.”
“ I try so hard to make time for God, but my life is just too busy.”
“ I still need ‘Me’ time”
I know I am constantly expressing that to myself and others.
Sure! We (I) justify these statements to sound perfectly rational in our heads and honestly they may even go unchallenged and agreeable amongst friends and family. However, these small statements have an overwhelming victory in the eyes of the enemy. When we justify even the little things we are declaring that Satan has won victory over our life for that split second.
CRAZY!! I know right..

I once read a quote that stated
“God, spending time with you is a chore, it is not refreshing, and it is not something I am going to prioritize above the worldly things I enjoy more than drawing near to you. But, *but*, I still want you to always be there for me when I am in trouble, forgive me when I sin, and bless me with what I want–thanks, love you!”

It hit hard in my heart and I began to question what was I doing and not doing (I can tell you that I was not spending time with God) but, when I really wrote out all the things I was doing instead of spending time with God I almost felt ashamed to even have them on a piece of paper.
In a nut shell it was more important for me to pursue my earthly relationships rather than the only relationship that would truly satisfy me. If I couldn’t feel any worse I realized that I overlooked how much God passionately wants a relationship with me despite how many times I have denied him and preferred worldly happiness rather than Him! By that I mean searching for “Love”

                                                   
Honestly, I really had to understand that God loved me and really wanted me and if I had only him I would make it.
Because, where in the bible does it say love interest, money, friendships, careers, student leadership or any earthly thing would bring us happiness?

          It doesn’t I think often times we create our own chapter in the bible that states all that?

Creating intimacy with God is something I am still in the process of learning and I will be learning probably for the rest of my life. Yes, God wants intimacy with all of us! Unlike the intimacy we create with our earthy relationships this one won’t stop pursuing us.
If I can magically find time in the day to text a friend. I can magically find time to just sit in the presence of my Savior!
Yes, I am in constant change of where I stand and the directions that I am going but I do trust that God is taking me through everything for a reason.
My friend Ethan Parker shared this verse with me when I was struggling it was Psalm 66:9 “ I will not cause pain without allowing something new to born, says the Lord” It’s a verse I am constantly reminding myself of. That the struggles I am facing are just simply learning curves I can either choose embrace them or create my own bubble of self-pitty and that is just not cute for anyone. So I am choosing to choose Joy and still passionately pursue the Lord because anything else just does not seem right.

Back to the whole boy thing! I am completely content with where I am now. However, I do still long for that one special earthly relationship not to fulfil me but to actively and passionately pursue the Lord along side of me. Until then, I will sit and bask in the fact that Jesus loves me more than I could fathom and that I will never be alone.

This whole subject is a whole different story…..

Love,
 Elena