Lady in waiting

Singleness. The gift no one wants. The season no one wants to be granted, and the place that feels like you’ve discovered a deeper level of being alone!

Is it possible that there’s been no mistake made?

Is it possible that there’s intent behind why I am still single, Yes obviously because I am still single and obviously God has a plan for that! I know I should be constantly considering why I am still in the season instead of constantly fearing I will never get out.

The past weeks have been really hard for me. Possibly, because it is around the holidays and I have began to notice the beautiful couples that surround me everywhere I go. I have questioned many things like “Where am I going?” “Is this what I want to do with my life?” “Have I made the wrong choice” and I would be lying if I said relationships didn’t make me vulnerable and scared. As much as I pretend that I am okay with being alone and I can do it forever if that is what I was called to do… It is one thing that I am most afraid of. I am afraid of loving someone who could potentially fall out of love with me. I am afraid of being open to be shut down. I am afraid of someone seeing my deepest hurt. I am afraid that there is just too much sin in my life. I am afraid of letting someone know my secrets. I am afraid of breaking someone else’s heart.I am afraid of not living up to a males standards. When it comes down to it I always decide to be the friend because it is so much easier than being hurt, however now I am afraid of being alone and unloved my entire life.

I hide my feelings because it is easier than sharing them. I will be completely honest with you the thought of sharing my life with a man scares me. Maybe because I don’t think I am worthy enough for such love. (Yea, that is it!) My insecurities often times get the best of me. So much that a lot of the times people do not realize how insecure I am. I get so nervous around men that I mask it with complete awkwardness or surface level “Hey!’ for the sake of talking and saying the wrong things. 

Let me clarify something. I have not always felt this way! And I have had boyfriends before. But, my last relationship I gave my whole heart to him I was ready to commit and settle down before it was time. I thought “Wow! How lucky am I to have found someone this young” We both loved the Lord and we wanted to serve him together. Things were great the first couple months we would exchange love letters constantly, talk on the phone for hours, turned to  each other when our family life go hard and most importantly attend church services together. We talked about marriage constantly (evening signing his last name on letters I would write) talked about kids and our dreams! But, then everything changed. We took our relationship to the next level we would justify it by saying “This is okay, were going to get married anyways.” Physicality ruled our lives if we weren't staying physical we were fighting because we weren't physical. “Hanging out” turned into “making out” and what was so beautiful turned so ugly in a blink of an eye. We fell out of love but didn't want to admit it. We ended up hurting each other in the process of trying to save each other.I don’t talk about him that much and I try to avoid the conversation when I am asked if I dated him. Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of him. But, because I am ashamed and embarrassed of our actions. Obviously, we didn’t end up married or even staying friends. Ironically, we attend the same college and it seems like I can never escape him. However, it is nice to see God so evident in his life and his new relationship. Because, that is not something that was in the midst of us.

I would argue that signing up for eHarmony, Christian mingle or church hopping to find the one with the most available young people isn’t the answer. I’m all for dating and getting yourself around other singles, but I have to believe there’s more intent behind this season than teaching me the right places to find a date. I think so much in the Christian aspect we have put so much pressure on having a boyfriend/girlfriend that we lose sight of what that really means.

Instead of preoccupation with finding the man or woman you want to marry, use this season to become the man or woman that God wants you to be.

We’re very quick to find fault in God and others, but rarely willing to consider how we might need to grow. A humble heart will see singleness as a time to draw near to the Lord and reflect on how you need to change to become more like Him.

As I am learning and going through new stages in my life I feel grateful that God has me on a path the singleness. However, I would like this season to end. But if it doesn’t I am preparing to be okay with it. This topic is somehow always seeping back into my life and with the constant communication I have with one of my best friends Jilli Davis.

There is so much more to life than being in a relationship with someone. Yes, I know having that special someone to hold hands, kiss and snuggle with is great and something that I hope everyone gets to experience. I long for a guy to tell me how he feels about me and that there could be something there between us. But, today we give our hearts to anyone and we end up in complete devastation and somehow blame God for bringing that person in our lives. God has been so great in protecting my heart and loving me just right so I would be able to really love my future husband. I may not have Mr. Right or may not be even close to finding Mr. Right. But, in those moments of my ”unanswered questions” or when I am overtaken by the restlessness of singleness I remember 1 Peter 5:7 “ casting all your anxiety on Him, because he cares about you!”

Because this intruding anxiety about my lack of a life-mate is not reality, but rather weakness that the greater reality is being capable of handling it.

My deepest Prayer

Lord, I know I am designed to be intimate with another. I know this because my feelings stir inside when i see romantic movies or read romantic books. I pray for my future husband Lord that he will be willing to seek you through the rough moments in life when he wants our relationship. I ask you to put people in my future husbands life who will model good character qualities. I pray people will encourage him in his character growth. I pray for people to point out areas in which he falls short and lovingly help him to seek a better way. I know no one is always loving as you Lord, but i pray that my future husband will strive to care for others more than he cares for himself and to love you with his whole heart!I know no one is perfect, and I dont ask for that. Instead, I ask that my future husband be willing. to see you, willing to see his faults, willing to change. Most importantly I pray for his purity. That he will turn to you to keep him pure. Or, if he already made other choices, that he would turn to you to make him white as snow! just like it is easy to entangle our emotions it is just as easy to entangle our bodies. I pray that my future husband will guard his body and soul until the time You have designed for us to commit our whole lives to each other. and when we do meet you will help us stay pure in our relationship. I pray we wont stumble as we near the end of the race toward each other.

I will hold out for real love

I will hold out for intimacy

I will hold out until my heart is ready

I will hold out for Purity

I will hold out for for just one man

I will hold out so that I can have butterflies

I will hold out when others are giving in

I will hold out for Gods timing

I will hold out as long as it takes

I will hold out my open heart to you, Lord

I will hold out my empty hand and wait

I will hold out for my Future Husband

This is my battle

Love, 

Elena