I started to notice I would get upset when I felt that the boy that I was interested in was not giving me the attention that I desired so much. I would pray to God and begged him for someone to come into my life, someone I could share laughs, smile, joy, tears and life with. Yet, despite all that I wanted in an earthly relationship, it’s ironic how I can be completely oblivious to how God feels when I ignore and blatantly hurt him and I continued to live in the pursuit of my own happiness, even if that meant I was willing disobeying him and knowingly hurting his feelings.
Am I the only one that feels like that? I didn’t think so…
No matter what we say or what people think of us. Our behavior in front of others and in private often shows we are not in love with God as much as we say or like to think we are. Our lives rarely reflect the kind of passionate, vibrant, love affair that shows we completely understand the true intimacy of our God.
To be completely honest, I have been struggling with really spending time with the Lord. Recently, some life changing events happened in my life that I was losing control of my life and I did not like that feeling of not knowing what was going to happen and why I felt so prompted to make these changes.
The future I have hoped for is now burning and my dreams I held so tight seemed to have no more meaning to me. I know that I don’t face things a lone and there is a promise for the ones that just hold on. But, I can sit here and be completely transparent and say that I thought for sure I was done trying to pursue God. The whole “Why me card” (we have all played it).
I then was asked “Elena, how are you seeing God in this?” My response wanted to be something like this “Actually, I don’t I am unbelievably upset with Him! WHERE IS HE? I thought he was always going to be here? Why would he let this happen? Am I really this alone?” Instead this was my response “That I know this is His plan.” LAME! Right of course I would give a cute little answer. That was the “good Christian” this to say right? Deep down inside my hurt was real and my pain was deep. It seems like heart ache was my closet friend. But, after all was said and done. I really got the chance to be alone see life from a different light and understand Him more. I came to realize how could I have so much love for someone that I spend NO time with. How could I really understand these events if I did not understand Him and His love.
Harsh Reality
Think about it how often do we say:
“ I want to spend more time with God, but I am so busy with Homework.”
“ I try so hard to make time for God, but my life is just too busy.”
“ I still need ‘Me’ time”
I know I am constantly expressing that to myself and others.
Sure! We (I) justify these statements to sound perfectly rational in our heads and honestly they may even go unchallenged and agreeable amongst friends and family. However, these small statements have an overwhelming victory in the eyes of the enemy. When we justify even the little things we are declaring that Satan has won victory over our life for that split second.
CRAZY!! I know right..
I once read a quote that stated
“God, spending time with you is a chore, it is not refreshing, and it is not something I am going to prioritize above the worldly things I enjoy more than drawing near to you. But, *but*, I still want you to always be there for me when I am in trouble, forgive me when I sin, and bless me with what I want–thanks, love you!”
It hit hard in my heart and I began to question what was I doing and not doing (I can tell you that I was not spending time with God) but, when I really wrote out all the things I was doing instead of spending time with God I almost felt ashamed to even have them on a piece of paper.
In a nut shell it was more important for me to pursue my earthly relationships rather than the only relationship that would truly satisfy me. If I couldn’t feel any worse I realized that I overlooked how much God passionately wants a relationship with me despite how many times I have denied him and preferred worldly happiness rather than Him! By that I mean searching for “Love”
Honestly, I really had to understand that God loved me and really wanted me and if I had only him I would make it.
Because, where in the bible does it say love interest, money, friendships, careers, student leadership or any earthly thing would bring us happiness?
It doesn’t I think often times we create our own chapter in the bible that states all that?
Creating intimacy with God is something I am still in the process of learning and I will be learning probably for the rest of my life. Yes, God wants intimacy with all of us! Unlike the intimacy we create with our earthy relationships this one won’t stop pursuing us.
If I can magically find time in the day to text a friend. I can magically find time to just sit in the presence of my Savior!
Yes, I am in constant change of where I stand and the directions that I am going but I do trust that God is taking me through everything for a reason.
My friend Ethan Parker shared this verse with me when I was struggling it was Psalm 66:9 “ I will not cause pain without allowing something new to born, says the Lord” It’s a verse I am constantly reminding myself of. That the struggles I am facing are just simply learning curves I can either choose embrace them or create my own bubble of self-pitty and that is just not cute for anyone. So I am choosing to choose Joy and still passionately pursue the Lord because anything else just does not seem right.
Back to the whole boy thing! I am completely content with where I am now. However, I do still long for that one special earthly relationship not to fulfil me but to actively and passionately pursue the Lord along side of me. Until then, I will sit and bask in the fact that Jesus loves me more than I could fathom and that I will never be alone.
This whole subject is a whole different story…..
Love,
Elena
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