My
brother is a heroin addict & there is not a DAMN thing I can do about it.
It’s so funny what will make me have a meltdown when
it comes to my brother. For the most part, my skin is thick when it comes to
him and his addiction. I've built a wall that rarely comes down. After two years
of really knowing and accepting his addiction and watching him stick a needle in his
arm you’d think I’d be numb by now. Right? Well, it still hurts- I still cry
and I still fear the phone call where he is dead.
Last time I wrote about Chris a plethora of people
reached out and laid prayers over my family it was amazing to see how much love
and encouragement came over his addiction. Recent, events have led me back to
the writing board because lets be real if you know me well you know I am not an
emotional person I don’t talk about my feelings I have always learned to push
them away and writing has become my outlet.
My feeling towards my brother have absolutely not
changed they are just getting covered up by his addiction to heroin. Chris is
probably my closest friend in the world, he knows me inside out, holds the key
to my past and I hope he allow himself the key to my future.
He has been struggling with his drug but more specifically
Heroin addiction
So here we go again…
8 Months wasted
8 Months clean and sober erased in one moment.
8 Months of family and friends, school and
normality, gone.
8 Months and the needle is back in your arm as the
lies spew from your mouth.
8 Months later and my mother is watching her son
destroy himself
8 Months later and my brothers and I are worried
again
8 Months later and I hate him again
8 Months later and somehow I am surprised. I let
myself believe he would never use again.
8 Months later, I and sad and he’s high again.
I haven’t really been around for a while. Since he
came home from rehab in many ways I cut myself off from my family and my brother
and tried to move past the pain that he puts our family through. The other
night I watched INTERVENTION. He was the every person portrayed on their
show about teenage use of heroin. Their son was my brother. In and out of rehab,
scamming his mom for money and getting hooked on the needle.I am not saying rehab doesn't work. It can. I know
many people who have their own success stories. It just won’t work if the
person doesn't want to get clean.
If I am being totally honest I have been struggling
with making the decision to cut him out of my life if he just continues to
actively use it is easy to say but difficult to follow through. Partly, because
I don’t want to hurt my mom and my brothers with this decision
His heroin addiction is monstrous cycle. At least in my world. Chris has
been clean more times that I care to remember and has been high more times than
anyone ever should be.
It
is not a pretty life.
The way heroin works, according to how I have seen
it is:
Addicts shoot up- Addicts shoots up a lot- Addicts
shoots up so much that said addict can no longer get high with a small amount
of heroin.- Addict is a junkie and can therefore not afford large amount of
heroin, so addict goes to detox. Detox cleans addicts system out. Addict can
choose one of two ways, clean or junk. Chris
chooses Junk. The cycle begins again.
Sober.
High. Sober. High.
I have watched this go down with my brother over 20
times. So why am I so surprise to have to watch it a 21st times. I
just would like by brother back. But he has a new sister and it’s called
Heroin. He doesn't know me anymore- I don’t know him anymore.
I
am literally just so mentally and
physically exhausted with Heroin.
To
be honest she is selfish-rude- vindictive brat.
It NEVER ends-
She NEVER ends
This past weekend, I was informed that Chris was
being kicked out of my mom’s house for stealing money to support his addiction.
And I couldn't help but put a smile on my face in complete Joy. Not because this
is what I had envisioned for my brother but because maybe he finally needs to
hit rock bottom. My brothers and mom have just been his freaking care taker what
the HELL people stop it. I have been
telling my mom it’s time to put him out with a cardboard sign that says:
“I am homeless because I am addicted to Heroin and
my family won’t support it
so please anything helps me to buy Heroin.”
Let’s see him get far with that….
Please understand this is not because I hate Chris
or I receive great pleasure of watching him fail. I say all this because I love
him and want him to get better. Gah it hard for me to write this blog because I
know it seems like I am just harsh on Chris- but you try sharing your sibling with Heroin. I want Chris to be a part of my
future. I want him to be an uncle to my unborn children, a brother-in-law to
future husband, friend to my friends and my laughing, joking, lovable, silly
and irritating best friend forever and
always.
This addiction hurts all of us- especially the most important woman in my life-
To be honest- my heart hurts for my mom the most to watch her son self-destruct
to watch her baby boy crumble to the ground and to watch her loving son because
a heroin monster again! My mom won’t admit this but I know she is a wreck
again. The past couple years with Chris have been stolen by a disease that her
Son chose the freaking second he put that needle in his arm. She cannot walk
away no matter how hard she tries. She sees a junkie but she doesn’t see the
Junkie I see. All she sees in the son she loves dearly.
Chris if you read this- I stand by what I said in
the beginning of this Journey I will love you through this. But, right now I need
to love you while we are on separate paths. You are and always will still be my
best friend. I know you are going through a time where I don’t understand and I
hope you work things out. But, until you can leave you fantasy sister Heroin and
come back to you baby sister Elena- We can not talk. This doesn't mean I don’t love
you this means I have to love myself a little more and protect my heart.
Your REAL sister,
Elena
This is Chris's battle
