Sister of a Heroin Addict

I know that our pain as a sibling is different than that of our parents however, we too hurt very deeply. I am the youngest of my siblings. Now the reason that I am blogging is because I am asking for some deep and serious prayer for a man that means a whole lot to me my brother. My brother is a Heroin addict and that is not something that I use to be proud of saying. In fact you can say I use to be very embarrassed by him and his random outburst of life. I am still not proud of him but this is who he is right now and I am going to fiercely love him through this.

Christopher Thompson

I feel as if my pain is sometimes overshadowed by my mom’s pain and hurt for Chris. Chris and I were so close growing up we did EVERYTHING together in all honesty he was my very first friend (My best friend at that) when we would get sent to our room we would poke our heads out the door way and whisper stupid jokes and laugh. Obviously that meant our relationship was solid. We shared the same friends. I don’t have a single memory from when I was a child that doesn't start with “this one time my brother.”  It is heartbreaking to watch himself destruct and not be able to save him. That pain I believe I share with my mom and brothers. I would have to say to have an addict as a brother is an understatement. It is the hardest thing you will experience as a sibling. After years of mud pies, tickle fights, he said - she said arguments you realize someone your very close to is struggling hard! Denial you might say first then the heartache then watching your mom hurt then finally discovering your living with and addict. This is when you know difficult is an understatement! 

However, not only do we as siblings lose our addict  to this disease but we lost our parents also. I don’t want to talk about him every second of the day but I don’t want to not be there for my mom. My dad obviously doesn't talk to our family and a little secret my brother and I don’t share the same father something we just found out in recent years. My mother has played the father role and mother role for are family for years she has provided for me and my brothers as a single parent. But, she has been miserable and sad dealing with this and trying to balance mine and my other brother’s emotional needs. Often times I feel like I have lost her just as much as we lost him. I can’t tell her it will be okay and I can’t fix things for her. So now not only do I feel the shame this disease has cause our family but now I feel the guilt of not being able to help my mother get through this.

 Then get this there is the anger of “ HELLO I AM YOUR CHILD TOO ASK ME HOW I AM DOING” then I  feel guilty because now I am asking her to ignore her pain to ask me a question about me when I know she is relieved she doesn't have to worry about me. Although, i call her every minute I can! 

Then we have the anger of I am going to kill him when I find him for doing this to our family. Of course that would never happen but boy do I feel like I could punch him sometimes! It’s an inner struggle with us siblings. We love him, we hate him, we hate what he is doing. We love our mom, we hate talking about this all the time, we love our mom, and we hate what he is doing to her.

Now, if you really know my mom you would know that her heart is so careful and so loving. She would risk anything for us and there have been times that we have asked her to do so. As her only daughter we have such a bond that is in-breakable. My mom loves me and I know she does. we do the normal shopping, mani and pedi’s and I get to sleep cuddled up with her when I am home. But, it just recently hit me I have not been supportive with Chris and she has had to deal with this a large part on her own. I use to call her dumb and tell her negative things about Chris because it was easier for me to shut it down before my heart could ache that he was slowly dying. There is one moment in particular I remember so vividly the day my mom and Chris where fighting and she told him “ I am scared I am going to find you dead” Now, Chris use to spend a lot of time in the bathroom shooting heroin up and then he would yell at himself and say things like “You are worthless” “you’re a piece of shit” “slap himself”  and many other vulgar things and I never told anyone but I would often times stand by the bathroom and pray to God “Please please please Lord help him” I would cry many nights and nothing would change. Not only was I losing my brother but I was losing my best friend! 

I couldn't stand the sight of him and would be angry would I would have to sit in the car with him even if it was just 5 minutes because I was just so unsure of why, he was doing what he was doing.  Sometimes family members of a person with an addiction can become caught in a cycle of co-dependency. Essentially, family members "help" the addicted but in ways which enable her or him to return to, or maintain, the addiction. For example, a family member might have loaned money in the past, thinking "this time, he's really telling the truth; he's going to kick the heroin habit and won't use the money to buy more drugs." It's easy to maintain this compassionate line of thought, even knowing in the back of your mind that this outcome is unlikely. While it may not be necessary to entirely cut your brother out of the picture, your family could think about the idea of co-dependency and how it does (or doesn't) fit into the story of his addiction. I have watched our whole family fall into this trap of really wanting to see chris in a different light instead of the harsh reality of who he has become. A heroin addict.

You are not defined by your actions

Today, I am proud to say my brother has agreed to do another round of rehab and I am determined to love him and support him through it because that is what family is about right? I am his baby sister and he counts on me for even the little things.

But in the back of my mind I keep thinking about my brother and how I wish nothing more than for him to be a productive part of our family. I would love to share in family days and dinners with him. I sometimes wish I would have stated these earlier and learned how to deal with his addiction in a better way and stopped enabling him many years ago so he could have saved himself from this despair. I know no matter how much I wish these things for him he needs to want them for himself. I just really miss him a lot.

I think a lot about him getting treatment and making some progress in recovery one day and will I ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Right now when his mouth is moving he is lying. I wonder how we will ever rebuild our relationship. I know it will always be different but I just want my brother back wrestling with me, making me laugh, squeezing my cheeks till I cry and saying that he loves me.

I just pray God is watching over him. 

I decided after praying a lot this is the beginning of my new way of life. I am going to love hard, live free and laugh loudly. I know that I am the best me I can be and that’s all that I can do. I love my brother with all of my heart and I will take the advice from a dear friend and love him from a distance and let him deal with his addiction and pray hard the right people are walking on his path. For when he meets that right person they will lead him to recovery when he wants it. She  said a very powerful thing “ no human power or materialistic object will keep Chris clean and sober” I was overwhelmed with tears and cried. I know no matter what I say or do my brother will not get clean. I or my family cant buy his sobriety. He will have to earn it like every other recovering addict.

 And Chris if and when you read this please know I love you more than words can describe and I will always be here for you even though I don't show it nearly as much as I should you are my best friend and my brother! I forgive you so please forgive me

This is my battle - Until there is healing

- Elena