Doubtful Heart | Is Jesus the one?

Is Jesus the one? 

This is a question that was just asked of me recently and my response was speechless because I couldn’t mutter the words without feeling convicted. Having to re-evaluate what Jesus is really worth to me? How valuable do I really find him? Realizing that I don’t value him near as much as I want to, or near as much as what he demands of me. That sounds really negative... I know!

It also makes Jesus sounds like a self-centered jerk that craves constant attention.

Oh, how far off, infinitely far off, that is. If the unbelieving world would only realize that Jesus demanding us to follow Him is Jesus demanding us to do the very thing that can give us unshakeable gladness and wholeness.

Lately, I have ended up centered in questions that make me uncomfortable and vulnerable. I am noticing that people avoid coming to Christ, or live in disobedience to Christ, because they are blinded to the reality of how valuable He is. The Son of God, the slain Lamb of God, crucified for the sins of His people. He is stunningly beautiful (Look at the Cross). A lot of people can't see it.. They won't see it. They hear him say “Come to me, you are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest for your souls.” But, instead latch their eyes down to the floor latch onto their sinful desires, and in doing so- whether they know it or not- stare right into the face of God who died for those sins and say “No! You are not worthy of me. I will not worship you. I will not believe you. I will NOT come.” It is honestly gut wrenching for me to ponder on the reality of this, how unbelievers reject the gospel of God’s grace and illogically pursue their own self-centered, fruitless and empty agendas.

We bypass fountains of living water and stoop to drink water of bacteria infested mud puddles.

But what is even more gut-wrenching is when I realize that many times, Elena Barrientes responds to God’s gospel of grace in this way as well- every single time I willing sin against Him. And not only every time have I sinned in action, but also every time I sin in lack of action. When I lust, I am rejecting the gospel of grace in that moment. When I cheat, I am rejecting the gospel of grace in that moment and so on and so on.

Since the moment I was saved, I’ve been adamant about not living the typical “Americanized” version of  Christianity the go to church, read the bible and live a life a sunshine and flowers. Yet, this is exactly where I have found myself the majority of the time. Often times not even going to church because I feel like I am too busy to do so.

Good thing God never said " I am sorry Jesus is too busy to die for your sins today!"

My conversion was only four years ago (although it feels like an eternity) and I clearly remember the immediate joy, peace and unexplainable contentment I had. But also remember within days of my new found love for God there was also a dark and heavy presence in my mind. The best way I know how to describe it as doubt. My mind was being bombarded with fears and thoughts like “none of this is real” or “God doesn't really exist” but at the same time I wanted God and I thought that I believed in Him. It was absolutely horrific. I felt so alone, trapped in my mind. Unable to escape the fear of my own thoughts. They plagued against me constantly.

However, never in the midst of my doubt, did I want to go back to my previous sinful lifestyle. And I thank God for His grace in keeping me from wanting to return to a place of hurt, devastation and lack of love. I never wanted to leave God or turn away. I was just too scared to death that He wasn't who He said He was.  I was scared that all those soul-anchoring promises in the bible weren't true or didn’t apply to me.  I was scared that I didn't have him!

Although, the Lord has graciously worked in my heart and granted me increasing levels of assurance since the time of my conversion, doubt is still something that I struggle with to a large degree. Most would assume the fear of being alone would be my biggest battle, but my fight with that fear and doubt is minuscule compared to my fight with doubt and un-belief of our God. Actually, I don’t think that I would even compare those two doubts and sins side by side like that. I believe that my struggles with other sins in my life actually stem from the black hole of unbelief in my heart.

Most of the time…. I really feel crazy borderline schizophrenic. There’s a war taking place inside of my heart and mind constantly between light and darkness. Truth and falsity. Trust and fear. Because I have thoughts like “Is Jesus really who the bible said he was?” I find myself really contemplating whether or not my true professed faith in Him is even genuine. That’s a scary thought, huh? The possibility that I am doing all of these “good” things in His name without real faith and real value is absolutely terrifying. Yet, for reasons that I cannot pin point or explain, I do believe that I am His I believe that in the very core of my being, beyond my intellect. I do trust and know and believe Jesus Christ. I thank the Holy Spirit for the blessed assurance.

When I realized pretty early on that my doubts were not going to instantaneously disappear, I decided to be real with both myself and God about them. It took me a few months to really come humbly before God and say, “I doubt you” but I did. From that moment I felt like I started making headway in this struggle rather than being stuck in the mud of my own inabilities. It is like God was like

“Elena, I already knew that you doubted me. I know you don’t trust me as you should. But I wanted you to come to Me with your fears, so I could walk you through them.”

I explained to that I've always found it weird that although the thoughts in my mind often clash with the truth of who the bible says that God is, I still come to Him with it. No matter how broken and distraught I may be, but I come to Him, logically you would think that if a person was doubting the claims of Christianity and the worth of God, You would start the look for other sources for God and for truth or they may just forget about the whole idea of their being a God and return to a life of menial task and hobbies. People who have the same doubtful thoughts that I have often  flee from the God of Christianity

But I haven’t.. Why?

It was gently put to me like this:

Elena (Insert Your Name), You would love for God to snap His fingers and make all your thoughts flow perfectly in line with His truth. You would love for Him to magically make all your doubts disappear and place your mind in joyous, continual submission to His word with no second guessing. Actually, your preference would be for Jesus to come down from Heaven and talk to you physically face to face on a daily basis. Unfortunately, that hasn't happen for you. But like I say all the time, if God allows us to struggle with a certain weakness or “thorn in the flesh” for a season, it is most certainly for our good in the greater scheme of things. Although your mind may not work in the simplicity of trust that you wish it would right now, the holy spirit has given you insight through the word of God into what exactly is taking place inside of you when all these doubts happen and how to effectively battle it.

It is impossible to wrap your mind around what goes around in your mind. Which is why I am so thankful that God has given us truth in a visible, tangible and concrete form- the Word of God- to tell us what the heck is wrong with us. The bible lays out for us not only the truth of mankind’s universal sinful sickness.. But also the reality of the Christian’s double-nature. You do have a regenerated heart and belief in God and want to submit to God. But, you have inhabited flesh that hates God. Your heart, your spirit wants to fully trust God with all of your being without skipping a beat… But your flesh wants to contain all knowledge that possess ultimate control. Your flesh is self-reliant, self-centered and self-exalting

“ Elena, your flesh wants to be God”

Talk about chills and being slapped with the spiritual truth. You can see how the strain between these two internal realities can be overwhelming. But, the realization of what’s really going on inside of me brings the light of understanding to the darkness of confusion. I have these unwanted thoughts, doubts and fears when it comes to Jesus Christ because somewhere still within the depravity of my human soul my conscience still says 

“Elena is ultimate. Elena is all-wise. Elena is all-knowing. 

Elena is the decider of what is or isn’t truth.”

Pride, right? RIGHT!

You see, what I need to really understand, deep within my soul is that Jesus is not the One who is on trial here…I am. We all are. It’s not up to debate whether Jesus is or isn’t who He claims to be. Jesus is who He is. We are the ones that will be judged for what we do with His self-revealed identity.

 I want Jesus to be worth more to me than that- because Jesus is worth more than that. I want to live extreme in Christ- for Christ- by the power of Christ in me. I want to see every opportunity, no matter how silly or mundane, as a Gospel opportunity. Whether that means sharing the Gospel, or pursuing a relationship with someone with the goal of sharing the gospel, or just saying “Have a blessed night” to someone I am in the same room with rather than just walking out silently.. Whatever it means to live extreme for Christ, I want and long to do it. In each moment.

While I sincerely desire to leave the emptiness and fruitless life that I am living behind me and really grab hold of and follow Christ, I am also aware of how dull my heart is. How many times have I felt this kind of passion for the Lord and desire for His gospel to be spread, just to find myself a few weeks later apathetic about the whole thing? CONTLESS times. Living a life filled with the glory of the gospel is going to take a lot more than just my human heart and body. It is going to take the true presence of God. The past few days I’ve made changes in my daily life and routine in order to put myself before God- to make myself available to be filled with Him. For me personally, this was pretty practical.. Like going to the bible when I would normally go to Netflix or going to prayer when I would go to facebook. There are so many idle things in our culture fruitless things we tend to be so passionate about. And our time commitment to these things shows it. Yet when it comes to the Lord we are often too disinterested to even get off our beds and to our knees.

The more I press into the Lord. The more I want to press into Him further. The tighter of a hold I get on Him, the more I lessen my grip on the comforts and pleasures of things of this world that keep me back from Him. My prayer is that as a united body, this generation of believers would see the fleetingness of this world and grasp hold of the eternal gift of Jesus Christ and forsake everything to have Him.

I think I just wanted to really write this to let all you other “Secret Doubters” out there know you aren't alone … and to help you see that YOU are the flawed one, not Jesus. Rather than doubting Jesus so much, try doubting your doubts. The scripture says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.. this renewal is a marathon not a sprint. We have to be diligent, disciplined and rigorous in our own pursuit of Christ. Regardless of what kind of ungodly, carnal thoughts our flesh is throwing at us. If you are doubting God.. Keep seeking him. Your doubts don't negate your faith. Chances are, if you didn't really have faith in Christ you would not care enough to have doubts either!

My prayer for all of us: 

Lord, Renew in us a love that is a blazing fire for you. Do not let us wink or flirt with our sin and view it as nothing-but let us see the enormity and grossness of our sin so that we would see the enormity and graciousness of you! Lord, in times of our doubt let us remember the cross. Lord, we thank you for continuously pursuing us in the times we're we are fighting you and wrestling with doubt.
You are the one!